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Joke of the Day

"Me: you can't just be pretty. You have to be smart too! 8: But mom, you're pretty. Me: Awe thank......wait what?"

"Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it."

"How do you clean a condom? Turn it inside-out and shake the fuck out of it."

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter."

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I have never wanted to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth."

"SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?"

"If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go."

"How are peanut butter and jelly related? They're inbred"

"[Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh"

"I think i'm spending too much time around my gf's family. I mean, her husband's going to notice sooner or later."