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Joke of the Day

"Hannibal Lecter has opened a Turkish resutrant. They only serve Organ Doners"

"[looks up from laptop while updating resume] son, you're good with computers ""I'm alright"" how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?"

"Saw a sign at a gas station earlier that said ""car wash out of order."" So I waxed my car, sprayed it with water and then applied soap."

"[God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say ""when"" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*"

"Wanna go out with me? Make an awkward face for yes. Name the entire periodic table for no."

"My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers."

"Remember: no matter how bad your situation and how hopeless you feel there is always someone doing way better than you"

"[Lady is being robbed] ""Help, Social Media Man!"" [Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]"

"How do you get an Asian to crash their car? Make the windshield full screen"

"Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it."