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Joke of the Day

"[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda"

"Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?"

"Guy hears his grand kids are coming for the first time. He gets all the parts and gear, spent six hours child-proofing his home. They still got in."

"Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you'll be deaf by the time you're 20 Me: What"

"What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo."

"What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair? Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating."

"I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles."

"I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon."

"Nothing's deader than the eyes of a Burger King employee who can no longer bring themselves to correct people who order ""McNuggets"" anymore."

"What do you call a far-ranging debate? A mass-debate."