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Joke of the Day

"[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don't laugh* 2 parts baking soda"

"Her: I'm pregnant Me: WHAT? H: Just kidding M: You scared me half to death H: My mom is coming to stay with us M: *the other half dies*"

"Is it just me... or are circles pointless?"

"Damn son are you a girl? BECAUSE OTHERISE WHY YOU NO DOCTAH YET?!"

"Mary had a little lamb... and the midwife passed out."

"Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home."

"Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant... Mom: Cant what?! D: She cant even. She literally cannot even. M: *single tear falls*"

"What do you call a epileptic roman emperor? Just had a Seizure. (too those who dont get it read it out loud quickly)"

"Some people may be brave enough to try to get into the milk business. Me? I wouldn't dairy."

"i want a google chrome plugin that's a todolist manager and the way you launch it is, you visit twitter, but it shows your todos instead"