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Joke of the Day

"""I wasn't that drunk!"" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight."

"The big news story tonight is about the balls being too small . . . At the state of the Union address!"

"The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi."

"Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker."

"60th birthday Last year my mother should have been celebrating her 60th birthday, but because of drugs, alcohol and many hard years of addition. we all forgot..."

"My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies."

"Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets."

"[Divorce court] Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce. Judge: He was cheating? Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets."

"Why did the Mexican guy rob a train? He had a loco motive."

"Why can't Helen Keller drive? Cause she's a woman."