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Joke of the Day

"How many Ukrainians does it take to screw a lightbulb? You don't need to, they glow in the dark."

"1997: Skynet becomes self-aware 2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor 2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours"

"JUDGE: So to be clear, you're pleading not guilty to stealing the child's shoes? ME: [heelies up to the mic] That's correct"

"Whats the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg."

"If I had a talking shark for a sidekick, I'd probably get into more deep sea shenanigans."

"With all the negative news lately ...about the Paris attacks, ISIS and the Syrians taking over the world there is one thing that is positive and that's Charlie Sheen."

"To make small talk interesting, stare inquisitively at one spot on the person's face until they self-consciously touch it."

"How did the swordsman keep annoying r/jokes? Constant ripostes."

"I asked the librarian for a book on the Ebola virus. She said, ""It's in Siera Leone at the moment, but it should be here within the next few days!"""

"What has 100 legs and 50 brain cells? The front row of a donald trump rally!"