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Joke of the Day

"I like my coffee like I like my women... Ground up and in the freezer."

"Slaves and snow tires What's the difference between a slaves and snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put a chain around them."

"My daughter teaches me something every day. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes"

"Why do molluscs only think of themselves? Because they're shellfish"

"If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don't love anything."

"What is the objective of jewish football? To get the quarter back."

"A girl's best asset is her lie' ability"

"Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]"

"CNN just wondered if I'm sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I'm sending them to punish you for CNN."

"You know what's a shame? A bus carrying lawyers and politicians going off a cliff and everyone on board dying. You know what's a damn shame? There was an empty seat in the back. Edit: details."