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Joke of the Day

"Fell asleep next to a beautiful woman I met last night. I tell you what, she was PISSED to wake up next to a stranger... And that goes double for her husband."

"The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it."

"Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store."

"Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear"

"The Bat-phone rings, it's... Commissioner Gordon. ""Batman, Jokers at it again. He's stolen all of tampons in Gotham. It's a bloody mess..."""

"Time to get in my wheel box to go to my work box so I can pay for my home box until I'm ready for my death box."

"[in car] Wife: Dont tell ur arm story Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe *at party* AND THAT'S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF"

"I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone"

"What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Being raped"

"[Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend"