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Joke of the Day

"I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you'll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker."

"Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me. If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too."

"A man calls in sick... ""It's my eyes,"" he says. ""What's wrong with them?"" his boss asks. ""I just can't see myself coming to work today."""

"I Am So Depressed. I Think Suicide Is The Only Answer. If my bitch ex-wife would just commit suicide my life would be so much better."

"I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!"

"How many people does it take for Valve to change a light bulb? Two at most."

"Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?- Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's"

"IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian."

"I showed up to my girlfriend's house. She said, ""Why, don't you look nice!?"" I said, ""Thanks."" ""It wasn't a compliment."" she added."

"My girlfriend said things needed spicing up a bit in the bedroom, so she introduced me to pegging. It did the trick we've been together ten years now. Give or take."