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Joke of the Day

"I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!"

"How many vegans does it take to... None. Nobody needs fucking vegans for anything."

"If there is a Wessex, Sussex, and Essex why isn't there a northern county similarly named? Cause then there would be Nosex!"

"A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years. Didn't even know he was a barber..."

"Him: You'll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks."

"Cop: Reason I pulled you over was you were swerving Me: Sorry was tryin to catch a Pokemon Cop: Which one!? I mean let me see your license"

"ABC's hit new show ""Dancing With Some Cars"" cancelled after two episodes, 43 deaths and 70 injuries"

"grade A funny I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high."

"Common sense: Walk away. Me: No."

"God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him."