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Joke of the Day

"Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats"

"My girlfriend just passed away. She was Dutch and always wore inflatable shoes. I'm miserable now that she has popped her clogs."

"ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining? [A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]"

"2016 is like if the state of Florida became a year."

"Trump Says Immigrants take Jobs Americans Refuse to take. Like being his wife."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Aldo ! Aldo who ? Aldo anywhere with you !"

"Voyager 1 left the solar system 1 year ago and still gets a better signal than an iPhone in my apartment."

"[Trying to impress a girl on a date] Me: ""Not to brag but I'm getting Windows 10 for free."""

"Newtons 3rd law of emotion Newton's 3rd law of emotion is, for every male action there is a crazy ass female overreaction."

"RIP the dinosaurs. Can't believe it's 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts"