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Joke of the Day

"I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn't feed them and someone else did they wouldn't go to them immediately."

"""Hey mom, why does it smell like dead people in here...?"" ""....mom? Mom? ...... Mooooooooooommmmm!!!!!"""

"Did you know that the Coast Guard is the only branch of military with a minimum required height of 6feet? It's so if their boat sinks they can walk to shore."

"[ping pong] ME: 3 to 2, my serve JESUS: M: can I have the ba- J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve M: [exhales] every time"

"*doctor moonwalks into office* ""Your test results are back Mr Johnson. You tested positive for BEING FABULOUS!!"" *Mr Johnson does the robot*"

"This is how good my dog is, LOL. I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. Rodney Dangerfield"

"What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most."

"How is a lady like a casino? Liquor in the front and poker in the back"

"What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them into a tire and call it a Goodyear."

"What do you call a Mexican melon? A cantelopez! Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability."