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Joke of the Day

"Just spilled red wine ALL OVER my insides."

"I'm not feeling myself today... ...would YOU do it for me?"

"*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK"

"When a girl seductively tells you, ""you can stick it wherever you want"" Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options"

"A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail. He took a sip and said ""Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"""

"Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings."

"What do you call an oval with a speech impediment? An Elipshhh"

"It was dark so I had to feel around for the hole with my finger, I didn't wanna just randomly jam it in anywhere I hate it when the keyless remote battery dies."

"I need 6 to 8 vegans... ...to mow my lawn. Plenty of food here, just bring your own drinks please."

"how many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? none. they just beat it for being black!"