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Joke of the Day

"Drug dealing is a great occupation because if it doesn't work out, you can always tutor children in fractions."

"A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer. The bartender says, ""Why the long face?"" And the horse answers, ""They've started a round of layoffs at the plant."""

"I had no shoes and I felt sorry for myself..... Then I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

"The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an f. Shit like this is why aliens fly straight past us."

"I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night... I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."

"I don't get why people say ""They were busting their ass""? Wasn't it already cracked to begin with?"

"Girl: ""Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"" Guy: ""Both, now get in the van."""

"I ran a marathon in 2011 if you add it all up probably."

"Heard about the gay author? His new book will be coming out soon."

"If I wanted a president, who had never touched a vagina... ...I would've voted Jeb!"