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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare."

"Weight loss tip: Don't eat so much you fat piece of shit."

"I can build and fix small engines using only vomit, feces and rotted animals. Due to my gross motor skills."

"If you lower your expectations, you can never be disappointed... Lower them too far, and you'll end up in line for the new iPhone."

"So a Korean man, a Syrian man, and a Mexican man are all in a truck. Who's driving? Immigration."

"YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe. ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear"

"I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported."

"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog because he shuts up after you let him in."

"POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird."

"TIFU And by I, I mean Ellen Pao."