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Joke of the Day

"[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] ""stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"""

"humans bury seeds in the earth, while birds cut out the middle man and eat them straight. really makes you think if you're stupid like i am"

"Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I'm just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I'm all that's left."

"To be fair, being Swiss isn't ALL bad The flag is a big plus"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE I yelled at my gynecologist"

"The thing I love most about dad jokes... ...is how they keep pushing the boundaries of humour father and father."

"If you look like your passport photo You probably aren't well enough to travel."

"If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person."

"A guy walks in on his daughter masturbating with a pickle ""Sick!"" he says. ""I was going to eat that. Now it's going to taste like pickle."""

"What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator..."