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Joke of the Day

"[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] ""stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"""

"If only we had more money for mosquito nets in Africa... think of all the mosquitoes we could save from dying needlessly of AIDS."

"Why did you drop the baby? Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did."

"[sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye"

"A police man pulled me over and said ""papers"". So I said ""Scissors! I win"" and drove off"

"What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo."

"Why do airplanes have to go around the sweatpants factory? Because it's a NO FLY zone!"

"Does the census keep track of adults who sleep in their work clothes and shower three times a week? I need friends"

"I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk."

"So this guy is on a date with this hot chick, after a while, weird sh*t starts happening..."