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Joke of the Day

"I always say ""goodbye"" to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop."

"*brings knife to gunfight* *knife used to cut pizza* *pizza served & differences resolved* *last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*"

"Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.marr"

"Until you've thrown up peanut butter and jelly onto an 8 year old at the beach on a Sunday, don't talk to me about your ""drinking problems."""

"If I were Jesus, I'd change all the water on waterslides to wine because how awesome would winoslides be?"

"My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants."

"Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*"

"Why are camels called the ships of the desert? They're full of Iraqi semen."

"I met this girl at the library... She was really smart! Almost as brainy as Kurt Cobain's ceiling."

"I told an ebola joke And only 50% died laughing."