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Joke of the Day

"I'm 99% sure I have trust issues. Though I'm not sure I trust my math. Edit: I grammar well"

"Cashier: what's with all the pineapple juice? Me: *winks* -Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat."

"My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn't won an arguement for 15 years."

"What is Chewbaccas favorite celebrity? Wookie Goldberg"

"When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said ""man, I'm just happy to be breathing"". I told him he should have bigger aspirations."

"Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on."

"hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected"

"A german asks his friend for the time So a german asks his friend ""Do you know what time it is?"" ""Nein"" ""really? I could've sworn it was 8"""

"When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called? Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway."

"I hired an old German plumber when remodeling my apartment He was a great guy, very reliable and thorough. But it seems old habits die hard. He connected gas main to my shower."