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Joke of the Day

"I went shopping yesterday and bought myself a ring binder. I haven't been able to do a shit since..."

"My wife told me to prepare our ginger son for his first day at school. So I beat him up and took his dinner money off him."

"What happens when libertarians and honey badgers don't give a shit together? An ex-lax shortage"

"11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter."

"What's the difference between Paul walker and my PC? I give a shit when my PC crashes."

"You may think that a pirate's favorite letter is R But they actually love the C."

"Dream girl: -tall -skinny -can pull off wearing a hat -honest -a fan of the theater -abolished slavery -is Abraham Lincoln"

"What comes after 69? mouthwash."

"3 rings in a man's life 1. Engagement ring 2. Wedding ring 3. Suffering"

"A duck walks into a bar... The bartender says ""Hey, your pants are down."""