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Joke of the Day

"If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here."

"If I had but one life to give for my country it would be a lawyer's."

"Women are like Hurricanes They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH"

"Some call me an alcoholic, But I call myself an antisocial drinker"

"""I don't know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends."" -Misery"

"What's the most confusing compliment to give a woman in her 40's? If you had a daughter, I'd fuck her."

"An anteater walks into a bar... ""First the horse, now this asshole"" remarked the bartender. Credit: u/reduxde"

"Thought of this one at breakfast today Q: What's the worst kind of jam? A: A traffic jam!"

"HER: I'm leaving you ME: Is it because I'm too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*"

"""Superman gets morning steel. That's hot."" Filed under things I think about while having my coffee."