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Joke of the Day

"What is the opposite of pro? Con. What is the opposite of progress? Congress."

"Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired. Edit: added ""because""."

"Life is a lot like a piece of toilet paper. You're either on a roll, or you're taking shit from some asshole."

"I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me. She just doesn't have the guts to do it."

"Space Joke What did the engineers say to the crew of astronauts after they discovered they didnt install the rockets correctly.... Guys, we really Apollo-gize"

"What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir."

"Yo momma so short and poor... ...that she gotta reach up to touch rock bottom."

"I feel like I forgot something today... ...shit, *the oven!*"

"I'm not rich like Jack don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too but what was that you said about Martin !"

"[wakes up & turns to wife] ""I had a nightmare. You died."" ""Aw. It was just a-"" ""Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."""