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Joke of the Day

"""Oh, this one? It's an excuse to tell a story about my life that only I think is interesting"" - literally all tattoos"

"People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?"

"I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA."

"Crabs A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, ""What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"""

"Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note."

"I bought my dog a brand new flatscreen for his birthday today - I even had it engraved! TO SHIBA"

"Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix."

"That's a lot of votes Donald Would be a shame if someone deleted them..."

"Why did they have to call Aquaman Aquaman Because they couldn't call him Seaman"

"What is irony? When the last person you want to see is the last person you see."