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Joke of the Day

"The club can't even handle me right now. Like, the club's just had a very emotionally draining day and the club's been in a weird place."

"LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand JUDGE: damn lol"

"What's Sting's favorite Olympic sport? The long hump"

"TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!"

"What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr.Dre"

"What's the difference between an erection and Colin Kaepernick? An erection can make it past the semis, and still stand up if you sing for it."

"There's a cool sport called Volcano Diving..... You'll only do it once."

"This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs"

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

"A batch of muffins are baking in the oven ... a muffin says to the other muffin 'getting hot in here eh' The other muffin says HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN"