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Joke of the Day

"Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we're in the car *5 secs later Me: What're you eating? 5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ......Nothing"

"I only have eyes for you. We sold out of skin swaths & teeth a couple hours ago. Last few eyes are in that bucket. (50% off bruised ones.)"

"What does your momma and a hockey player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods."

"Q: What goes VROOM SCREECHVROOM SCREECHVROOM SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light."

"What is the one riddle that everyone gives up? The riddle of life!"

"God I'm so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time."

"Me: ""You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!"" Grandma: ""Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."""

"QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught."

"[Zoo, bird show] ""Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods."" *bird headbutts window 50 times*"

"What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A ""Roman"" Catholic"