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Joke of the Day

"I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER"

"What does a girl from Arkansas say when she loses her virginity? ""Get off me paw, you're crushing my smokes."""

"Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married"

"5 out of 5 coworkers think I should be wearing pants. All of them are from HR though, and who knew they could get to my cubicle that fast."

"Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days.."

"I hope Death is my father... because he'll never get me."

"Always tweet as if your unfollowers are watching."

"Why did Darth Vader get suspended from the Police? He was under investigation for excessive use of Force"

"Give me a break, ouija board. I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it."

"How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it"