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Joke of the Day
"This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined."
Next Joke
"[aliens talking] ""They call it a sel-fee"" A photograph of oneself? ""Sometimes several"" But why? ""We have one theory"" Go on ""They're idiots"""
"When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise"
"I'm not sure if I have constipation or diarrhoea. I'll find out by a process of elimination."
"I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!"
"[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him"
"I went to the store for some flatbread... They had naan."
"Do you piss in the toilet before getting in the shower? I'll bet you wipe yourself with toilet paper too..."
"I'm pretty sure our nanny's grandmother has died like seven times now......"
"Woody Allen's version of his life will be his most brilliant fiction."