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Joke of the Day

"Falling asleep at work didn't get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble."

"[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror] ""My dead what?"" [ghost writes *YOU'RE] AAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Wife asked what was on the TV... I said ""dust"". That's when the fight started."

"Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all"

"My favorite mythological creature. My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials."

"The grim reaper attends a funeral early in the day... as he gets there, he says, ""Good mourning, everyone"" Ill see myself out.."

"Remember, I'm not an idiot...I just play one on-OH CRAP I'M ON FIRE! GUYS, HELP! I'M ON FIRE AGAIN! Oh wait...this is just an orange shirt."

"It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman."

"Whats the difference between a black man and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family of four"

"I shot a man in Reno, Just to watch him cry. It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!"