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Joke of the Day

"Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all"

"Coffee so black, you won't ever go back to sleep."

"How did they invent break dancing? Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car."

"I know you've been looking at porn if you're staring at the Google homepage when I walk in."

"The abusive relationship that I'm in is such a joke I spend everyday waiting for the punchline."

"""What did you do?"" ""Genocide. You?"" ""I shared a 10 Funniest Autocorrect FAILS on Facebook."" - Conversations in Hell"

"Why does Hillary Clinton want to be president? She also wants to get a blow job in the oval office"

"There's nothing common... about Tutankhamun."

"Your secrets safe with me.. I stopped listening to you 30 minutes ago..."

"I walked into a Chinese bar and ordered the heaviest drink. The bartender served me wonton soup."