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Joke of the Day

"If I had the power to control people's minds like Professor Xavier I'd probably just make them get me snacks."

"No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they're gonna die and I can save them."

"The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later."

"It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. ""What are my choices?"" he asked. ""Yes or No"" she replied."

"What's another name for semen? (w)Hole Milk!! :D"

"Father's Day Fun: 1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family. 2) Hug him. 3) Tell him 'Happy Father's Day dad'! 4) Run."

"My girlfriend wrote 'Will you marry me?' on a piece of paper and hid it in my sandwich. Unfortunately I didn't see it and ate the lot. Not to worry though, I pooped the question this morning."

"You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahahaa WHY!!??"

"""I have a particular set of spills,"" Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt. He looks for a napkin but the last one's already been Taken."

"I scream. You scream. We all scream. I'm not supposed to be at this slumber party."