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Joke of the Day

"If I had the power to control people's minds like Professor Xavier I'd probably just make them get me snacks."

"A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it."

"I had an ant bite my penis today. it feels like a little prick."

"A man is on vacation and gets a call that his mother-in-law has died. They ask him if he wants to cremate or bury her. He responds, ""shit You better not take any chances do both."""

"I used to have a bird called ""Stockholm syndrome"" who lived on my shoulder. I used to hate the bastard, but in the end, he grew on me."

"*shoots self in foot* ""Damn i like the metaphor better"""

"Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty"

"Why's Guantanamo Bay full of actors? Because they all shot pilots."

"KNOCK KNOCK Who's there, Howard, Howard who? Howard you wanna suck these nuts. Also works with: Wendy you wanna suck these nuts Jorge come suck these nuts"

"What happens when a Pokemon goes through puberty? It's bells sprout."