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Joke of the Day

"i don't know if that's a burrito in your pocket or if you're happy to see me but at that size i'd be interested in both"

"Why don't Donald Trump's fans care that his wife ripped off Michelle Obama's speech? Because none of them got to the point in school when they explained plagiarism is wrong"

"What is the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 12."

"*thumb wrapped in giant bandage* CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war."

"What food describes most men? Jerky."

"A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards... You need a heart to love her A diamond to marry her A club to smash her fucking head in And a spade to bury the bitch..."

"mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes"

"FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!"

"Breaking news! Cannot unsee! Mathematicians find 2-1=0!"

"What did the Bra say to the Hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift."