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Joke of the Day

"I don't care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I'm using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom's a who"

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"What's Sauron's favorite soft drink? Mountain Dewm"
"What does DNA stand for? National Association for Dyslexics"
"Q: Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee."
"What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends"""
"My mates keep calling me gay. I proved them wrong. My mates keep calling me gay, so to prove them wrong and went out and fucked this sexy nurse. He definitely wasn't gay."
"Just had a panic attack thinking how little time I've practiced picking up stuff with my toes in the event I ever lose my arms."
"Why was the little ink blot so unhappy? Because his mother was in the pen, and they didn't know how long the sentence would be."
"Alarm company: We need your emergency contact info. Me: (eating chips) My dog doesn't have a cell phone."
"BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER."