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Joke of the Day

"I got a flyer in the mail that said ""Get into a new car no questions asked!"" Bullshit... my neighbor still asked WTF I was doing in his BMW."

"95% of the world is retarded I'm glad I'm part of the 10%"

"Brother-in-arms What did the russian soldier say when he held his newborn sibling in his hands for the first time? ""You're my brother in arms!"""

"Me: Quit talking down to me like I don't know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry... Me: That's ok. Now fix the router."

"What are some canned retorts that can be funny in many situations, like ""that's what she said"" or ""let's not and say we did""?"

"Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a sex offender? He kept on sticking his finger in a tyke."

"I'm not saying the Internet at this hotel is slow but if you're reading this tweet, it's likely 2016."

"Bring a Knife on a Date! When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention? It does not help to imagine people in their underwear."

"Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own."