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Joke of the Day

"Bring a Knife on a Date! When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still."

"Years ago I used to do a lot of drag racing... ...buy I kept tripping in those high heels"

"A free corpse is a dead giveaway."

"Justin Bieber gets 40,000 retweets just for tweeting 'Hello', so here's my attempt: Hele0iM1. Ah, harder than it looks. Fair play to him."

"*inside camp-out tent* ""Wanna hear-"" *puts torch under chin* ""-a scary story?"" *flicks torch on, it vibrates* ""OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH."""

"What's the iPhone's favorite football team? The Chargers."

"Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping for a lot of mediocre stuff. It's like being a Coldplay fan."

"What kind of socks do you find in your backyard? Garden hose."

"Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?"