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Joke of the Day

"I don't remember 6th grade science being this hard. But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn't trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine."

"I used to be a narcissist... ...but now look at me."

"Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don't want a response"

"A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn't happen in Arizona either."

"Today in 1775, Jane Austen was born. She wrote ""Sense & Sensibility,"" ""Pride & Prejudice,"" and ""Lust & Lunchables."""

"What is the similarity between women and square roots? If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head."

"Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities"

"Why do bears' mouths water whenever they look at Trump? Because they think that thing on his head (his hair) is an animal and they want to eat it."

"The bloke who invented the time machine has died. RIP Dave Jones. 1974 1746."

"The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes... So Ikea'd his car."