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Joke of the Day

"[baby throws up all over the couch] Cmon dude, I let you live here for free"

"Why do some people love their VW diesel cars? Well, it's the official car of the New England Patriots after all."

"*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time* *girlfriend sighs* ""Just take off the mittens"" MY HANDS ARE COLD"

"Head says ""Forget about her."" Heart says ""Tell her u love her."" Bottle of whisky says""Ride the cat around the house & you'll feel better."""

"What's the heaviest Chinese food? wonton :3"

"WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear."

"Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm."

"Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes."

"Where does a Turkey live? A coup."

"Just met a nerdy spider. He's a web designer"