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Joke of the Day
"Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They're over two feet"
Next Joke
"[robbing Whole Foods] ""All the cash in a bag NOW!"" 100% organic reusable bag ok? ""Yes!"" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag"
"sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about."
"94% of my workout regimen is reading things online that make me so angry I shake"
"On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day, Carol. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday."
"ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me"
"SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend *ring ring* ME: Hello FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?"
"Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting."
"I hate recursion, irony, and the Oxford Comma."
"What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole? You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick."