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Joke of the Day

"I'm starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook. You know we just joke about being Facebook right?"

"Dude on Amtrak I sized up as being a lawyer just used ""litigation"" during a phone call. Feeling powerful right now."

"what's the deal with ""airplane food?"" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel."

"My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me."

"don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. their phone is prob ""just on silent"" or ""right in front of their lying face"""

"Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!"

"Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi ! Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !"

"I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!"

"""Did you just fall?"" ""No. I attacked the floor."" ""Backwards?"" ""I'm freaking talented!"""

"I just found out JFK was jewish. He was shot in the temple."