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Joke of the Day

"ME: What's your favorite movie? DATE: Girl Interupt- ME: *drops fork* What is it? DATE: Girl Interu- ME: *burps* Sorry. Go on. DATE: Fargo"

"My dog barks for 2 reasons: 1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking. 2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking."

"right-to-die In a right-to-die state the executor has two duties. ""executor"" and ""executor"""

"[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015] Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders"

"I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt..... So, I made a move on her."

"I'm my own boyfriend when it comes to farts"

"How can you tell my parents are abusive? Beats me"

"Q.How many blonde's does it take to change a light bulb? A. 3. 1 to find the bulb 1 to find a ladder and 1 to find a man."

"[getting a haircut] BARBER: anything else? ME: cut me BARBER: what? no ME: like sweeney todd BARBER: i'm no- ME:make me into a pie"

"Have you ever seen something and just wanted to devour it? Anyways I lost my job as a gynecologist today."