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Joke of the Day

"11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one."

"What is OJ Simpson's password on his computer? Slash, slash, backslash, escape."

"On my deathbed I'll be so glad I watched tons of tv & didn't travel."

"I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend's in the future."

"Texting you back right away doesn't make me a psycho. What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat."

"What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!"

"Neighbor's kid just asked me 2 fix his computer. I was gonna tell him 2 come back tomorrow but I saw the look of ""I need porn"" in his eyes."

"[Storm into Octopus Boss' office] I want a raise or I quit! [Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern] NOT THIS TIME"

"402 year old woman pulled out of Nepal earthquake rubble survives for 100 years without food or water Fucking one upping bullshit headlines."

"Tug boats hate when their mom comes in their room without knocking."