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Joke of the Day

"Fuuuuck yeah! (shakes pill bottle) Tonight we gonna get completely, totally... (reads label) Antifungal"

"Garbage day. When you find out which neighbors are drunks by how many bottles they throw out holy shit this one still has something in it."

"Social butterfly? Nah. I'm more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they've seen me, but no one really believes them."

"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through. One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym."

"Birds sure seem pretty stupid until you see pigeon shit on a Hummer."

"What town in the continental United States produces the most alligator pears per year? Avo, CA does."

"What was the name of Europe's most famous Jewish knight? Sir cumcised"

"Why does all of Jared Fogle's music sound the same? Because he loves to abuse A Minor."

"How loud can you talk? -Alcohol"

"On a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen, I'm at Mel Gibson drunk right now."