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Joke of the Day

"Social media: We're getting rid of chronological order. Everyone: NO! SM: Cool, right?! Everyone: NO! SM: Glad you're excited!"

"""Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?"" I mumbled into the tv remote."

"David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons."

"What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves? The Illuminat-Eh!"

"my doctor gave me 2 months to live when i told him i wouldnt be able to pay off my medical bills by then, he gave me another 2 months"

"Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school."

"I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle"

"I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won't stop talking to me and I think I've made a horrible mistake."

"Instead of presents, give your kids ""presence."" Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever."

"What do you call somebody who pretends to play on a player piano? A Penis"