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Joke of the Day

"Pull all of your money out of Pepto-Bismol stocks immediately. There's some real liquidity problems over there."

"Kleptomaniacs are the worst hecklers. They always steal the punch..."

"""Daddy, where do babies come from?"" From mommies. ""How do they get inside?"" CAN'T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN'T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT"

"I'm usually more of a Samantha but sometimes I am such a Carrie, like when a bucket of blood got dumped on my head at prom"

"If your partner says ""if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,"" ""anything"" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam"

"For her birthday, I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself."

"What do you call a ghost who's always sleeping? Lazy bones."

"why was the broom late for work? he overswept!"

"If Apple made a car... Would it have windows?"

"I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with ""swag"" and their duck-face girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust."