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Joke of the Day

"(first date) Me: *hyperventilating* Him: Don't be nervous. Take a deep breath. Me: Can't. I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx."

"Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? A: A guitarist who'd told too many drummer jokes."

"my girlfriends dad asked me what I do but apparently your daughter wasn't the answer"

"You should really buy stock in K-Y Jelly It can only go up."

"What is the difference between an event at the X Games and a sorrority? One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts"

"My wife does a HILARIOUS John Goodman impression. Doesn't hurt that she looks exactly like him."

"""Good morning, this is your pilot speaking"" ... ""AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING"" ... ""and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing"""

"Where does napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies"

"My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser."

"people are like ""pokemon is basically dogfighting"" but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence"