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Joke of the Day

"Why are Mormons more like Muslims than they are like Christians? Christians are not-for-prophet organizations."

"I invented a motorized walking stick.. I call it the hurrycane."

"[dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*"

"I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published. It was all in vein."

"I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit He said: ""That's gross!"" I said: ""No, that's net."""

"What do you call a brown guy in between two buildings? Ali."

"DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who's Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*"

"Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?"

"Ultimately, even the mighty invincible Achilles was killed with a bowshot to his foot. Time wounds all heels"

"[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car"