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Joke of the Day

"I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box. Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper."

"HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses."

"I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties."

"I used to have a problem choking on my food all the time Now I only eat cheerios and life savers"

"To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying"

"[cocktail party] Me: [swirls brandy] Brandy: PUT ME DOWN"

"What is something that mother giraffes have but no other animal has? Baby giraffes."

"Why are pedophiles terrible Blackjack players? They don't hit on anything over 14."

"When complaining of a stomach ache, you don't really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is."

"I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I'm dating Madonna now."