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Joke of the Day

"Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide."

"Me: Have fun on your date. Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high? Me: You really aren't my kid are you?"

"Put the punchline in the title How do you spoil a joke?"

"I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already."

"I have a flight to catch but there is a cat on my lap"

"I'm so glad those gulls found love and happiness together. After all, one good tern deserves another."

"The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday."

"Why do ghosts carry tissues? Because they have BOOOOgers."

"I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you. But sometimes I put both my legs in the same pant leg and pretend I'm a mermaid."

"Sometimes I wear a tinfoil hat. I'm not one of those wackjobs, it just makes being in the microwave more interesting."