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Joke of the Day

"The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight."

"I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house. The owner had left a note. ""Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."" I thought to myself, ""I can't turn that down!"""

"Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out. You never know when they'll come in handy."

"My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet."

"A very busty woman whispers to me ""I want you to tell me if these look real"" my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing"

"Gandalf gave me a test... I didn't pass."

"Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies."

"What are an idiot's last words? Hey, watch this."

"""The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole's Law."""

"Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors."