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Joke of the Day
"Mantra at the gym: When the zombies come, cardio will matter."
Next Joke
"Therapist: ""I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?"" Me: ""I can't say I do."" Therapist: ""That's one of them."""
"When it comes to sex, when is a man the smartest? Before, during or after sex? During. Because your plugged into a ""know it all."""
"I vandalized an art major's car today. Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy."
"I failed my driver's test. The instructor asked me ""What do you do at a red light? I said ""I usually see what people are up to on twitter."
"Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant"
"Astronaut Booty Call... I'd like to see what's under your Kuiper Belt."
"It's gonna be a long day. I can wait to get home and curl up with a good Internet."
"When someone's ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes. We'll see how busy you are tomorrow."
"If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."" you are wasting everybody's time."