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Joke of the Day

"I was talking to a religous friend when I remembered that Moses drank lots of tea ""Oh really, how does he make it?"" ""Hebrews it."""

"How do you know which pepper in the garden is the nosiest? ... it's the one that's jalapeno business!!!"

"Friend: just be yourself. Me: Be myself? Be myself?! Some of the most successful people I know aren't myself. That's horrible advice"

"Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver. Witch: Well I won't stand in your way."

"The definition of irony... Is not knowing the difference between a definition and an example."

"What do you call a camel in the North Pole? Lost..... Why the fuck would a camel be in the North Pole?"

"When I see lover's names on a tree, I don't think it's sweet... ... I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"How long does it take for a black woman to take out the trash? 9 months."

"Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now"

"""someday this will all be yours"" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food"