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Joke of the Day

"Figured out how to jailbreak my dog and now I'm running all the cool cat apps on him - watching him go nuts on a piece of string right now"

"Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell ""Hogwash!"""

"Why did the dinosaur go to jail? Because he was a child molester."

"Him: ""I feel-"" Me: ""I FEEL IT TOO. IT'S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU'RE MY LOBSTER."" Him: ""-gassy."""

"Why do Mexicans eat so many beans? Because they're versatile, a good value, and contain lots of protein you racist fuck."

"Some people don't believe in New Year resolutions. Like everyone in this McDonald's drive thru."

"What do you call an STI in your nose? Sniff-illis"

"A pizza delivery guy knocks on the door Two men answer the door and invite him inside. They ask him if he wants to have a threesome. He replies, ""just the tip please""."

"Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication."

"A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up."