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Joke of the Day
"what do you call a pissed off group of door handles? An angry knob"
Next Joke
"These pants fit like a cheap hotel... No ballroom."
"""Florence + the Machine"" would be a funny name for a Leonardo da Vinci biopic. Follow this account for more goodass Renaissance tweets"
"A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, ""Can I park here?"" ... ... ""No"" says the cop. ""What about all these other cars?"" ""They didn't ask!"""
"Last night, I had a dream that I was walking on a white sandy beach... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning..."
"What do you call an alligator in a vest? A investigator"
"Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults. How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me."
"Security: Animals aren't allowed in this art gallery, sir. Me: It's my guide dog. Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter..."
"Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to ""THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!"""
"I traced the call. It was phone-shaped."